facing my demons

i can't believe it was 11 years ago today...

it was a friday night. my best friend anna and i (we were best friends in HS and then lived one floor apart from one another in college) had tickets to see third eye blind and eve 6 at the HPER building on campus. it had been a tough week for me. things were building up and causing me a great deal of stress. it was so bad that i had eaten very little for the entire week. i had just broken up with my girlfriend, kelly (who i was in love with throughout HS. it took me moving away to college for her to share similar feelings). [that could be an entire blog post itself...] i was excited to see these two bands play, as they were extremely popular at the time. when eve 6 started playing, i tried my best to get into the mood. 'it' was eating away at me. i made every attempt to have a good time. third eye blind came out and started playing. they sang "jumper". that was all it took. my emotions hit me like a brick wall. i felt like i was on that ledge that they sang about. while the lyrics that the band sang may have meant something to them, they were especially meaningful to me:

Well he's on the table and hes gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyones got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand

it was time to face the demons, the thing that was trying to escape. i asked anna if we could leave before the show was over. she agreed and knew that there was something that was bothering me. we went back to her dorm room. i told her that there was something that i had to tell her, but i couldn't tell her. i physically could not tell her. i had to draw a picture. i drew three stick figures. one to the left, one to the right, and one in the middle, atop a fence. after i was able to begin to describe the picture, anna realized what i was trying to say to her. i was telling her that i was bisexual. i think her response was "really?!" there wasn't too much shock, well maybe a little.

not too long after i "told" anna about my sexuality, i told my mom. i know exactly where we were in that booth at chili's. again, i couldn't tell her, but made her finally ask me if i was gay. i told her i was bisexual, thinking it would soften the blow. i don't honestly remember what her reaction was at the time. i think i remember her telling me that she knew, that a mother always knew.

a few weeks later, while driving through campus, i finally told anna that i was gay. she laughed and knew that there was no teetering for me. after i told her that night, she knew that i was 100% gay.

shortly after these events took place, i felt so much better about myself. i felt like the proverbial weight had been lifted off my shoulders. it was amazing the changes that occurred in me. emotionally i was much happier, being who i really was. physically, i felt much better too (and ended up losing close to 50 lbs by the end of my freshman year).

there have been years that this "anniversary" has come and gone. there have also been times that it has been celebrated - like the year i received a sash, a rainbow glittered picture frame, and a scroll declaring it "my day of gay". regardless, i always remember the events that took place that night and how it truly changed my life. luckily, it comes each year almost two weeks after national coming out day. eleven years ago, it was a big deal for me. today, it may not be a big deal for some, but there is probably that kid who is literally dying to tell someone. i hope he or she has the courage to face their demon and tell someone. i also hope that he or she is lucky enough to have someone to listen and accept them for who they are.