happy birthday, dad!

yesterday was the day that most celebrated my dad's birthday. while he was grateful for all the birthday wishes, i know that he is celebrating today's "birthday" much more. today is my dad's "17th birthday". a celebration of the day that he became sober.

i want my dad to know that i am very happy for his accomplishments and years of sobriety. while i wish that it would have happened years before, i am grateful that he eventually made the decision that would positively affect the rest of his life.

my dad and i both know that there were many strained years between us. while i wasn't able to go to his ten year anniversary lead (a speech that he gave at his local AA meeting), i sent a letter to be read letting him know how proud i was of him. i am equally as proud of him today.

in a couple short months, dad will have completed all the requirements needed for his bachelor's degree. he has decided to go straight into his master's program. in the meantime, he is teaching and counseling teens with various issues. i'm sure that his frankness and "tough love" is appreciated by his students....if not, they're sure to learn!

although my dad and i don't talk to one another on a regular basis (with the exception of facebook!) i hope that he knows how proud i am of his accomplishments. and if he doesn't already know, i am sure that he will read this post.

congratulations dad! and happy 17th birthday!

deep thoughts

my job is pretty darn cool.

so today, i worked a "turn" (that means i worked a trip that started and ended in chicago.) in the time that i was flying i went from chicago to columbus, ohio; to philadelphia, pennsylvania; to pittsburgh, pennsylvania; and back to chicago. all in the span of hours. if you stop to think about it, that's pretty cool. you start in one place, travel to places across the country, and then end up back at home. it really makes me enjoy what i do.

oh my god. i'm going to be 30.

last night i was thinking about my birthday that is quickly approaching. i'm going to be 30. i always said that i looked forward to turning 30 (nearly all my friends are 30+). but last night i freaked a bit. i remembered turning 20; while it seemed like a long time ago, it also seemed like just yesterday. my twenties are nearly over.

i gotta feelin'

so oprah kicked off her 24th season here in chicago by closing off streets and congesting traffic like no other....but there is one VERY cool thing that came out of it; this flash mob dance video of "i gotta feelin'" performed by the black eyed peas.

watch it!


UPDATE: ugh! damn oprah and her copyrights of everything on this planet. sorry that this video is no longer available. you may be able to find it on her website. grr!

oprah had no clue that this was planned. (it's obvious by some of her reactions.) a choreographer taught 800 people the moves for the dance and then they relayed them to the rest of the thousands in the crowd. VERY cool!

now, check out oprah's reactions!

:00
oprah's notorious scream for introducing guests, "say hello to the blaack eeeyed peeeaass!!!!"

:36
oprah with her flip camera thinking "what the fuck?! why are these people just standing there with one crazy loon dancing?!"

1:09
oprah takes a big gulp. "okay, i don't know what's happening. is this planned? am i going to have to fire someone?"

1:37
arm fat and gold microphone begin to shake with excitement. "look!! look! look at them!!"

2:35
points forcefully. "WOOHOO!! am i the only one who sees this?!"

3:03
squeel with sheer excitement!! almost gets knocked out by her girls.

3:25
now that this has been going on for 3+ minutes, looks utterly confused and baffled.

3:48
"THAT.IS.SO.COOL. THAAATT.IISS.SOOO.COOOOL! THAT.IS.SO.COOL. THAT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!! CHI-CA-GO I LOVE YOU!!!!! OH MY GOSH! THAT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!"

i agree oprah, that was pretty damn cool!

mmm...water!

doesn't sound very convincing, huh?! it's not that i'm anti-water, but i've just never really been one of those people that enjoys drinking water compared to other drinks. when i was young, we typically had three choices for drinks: sugar free kool-aid, milk, or water. naturally, i chose the sugar free kool-aid. sure, there was soda in the house, but i don't really remember drinking it regularly until we were older.

i LOVE a good can of regular pepsi or regular coke, but due to the calorie content, i became a diet coke/coke zero drinker.

but, even though there are no calories or carbs doesn't make it good for you. so, as of today i'm going off the soda, cold turkey.

so here i am on day 1....no soda. it wasn't too hard, it was just more of reaching for the water instead of the can of soda!

facing my demons

i can't believe it was 11 years ago today...

it was a friday night. my best friend anna and i (we were best friends in HS and then lived one floor apart from one another in college) had tickets to see third eye blind and eve 6 at the HPER building on campus. it had been a tough week for me. things were building up and causing me a great deal of stress. it was so bad that i had eaten very little for the entire week. i had just broken up with my girlfriend, kelly (who i was in love with throughout HS. it took me moving away to college for her to share similar feelings). [that could be an entire blog post itself...] i was excited to see these two bands play, as they were extremely popular at the time. when eve 6 started playing, i tried my best to get into the mood. 'it' was eating away at me. i made every attempt to have a good time. third eye blind came out and started playing. they sang "jumper". that was all it took. my emotions hit me like a brick wall. i felt like i was on that ledge that they sang about. while the lyrics that the band sang may have meant something to them, they were especially meaningful to me:

Well he's on the table and hes gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyones got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand

it was time to face the demons, the thing that was trying to escape. i asked anna if we could leave before the show was over. she agreed and knew that there was something that was bothering me. we went back to her dorm room. i told her that there was something that i had to tell her, but i couldn't tell her. i physically could not tell her. i had to draw a picture. i drew three stick figures. one to the left, one to the right, and one in the middle, atop a fence. after i was able to begin to describe the picture, anna realized what i was trying to say to her. i was telling her that i was bisexual. i think her response was "really?!" there wasn't too much shock, well maybe a little.

not too long after i "told" anna about my sexuality, i told my mom. i know exactly where we were in that booth at chili's. again, i couldn't tell her, but made her finally ask me if i was gay. i told her i was bisexual, thinking it would soften the blow. i don't honestly remember what her reaction was at the time. i think i remember her telling me that she knew, that a mother always knew.

a few weeks later, while driving through campus, i finally told anna that i was gay. she laughed and knew that there was no teetering for me. after i told her that night, she knew that i was 100% gay.

shortly after these events took place, i felt so much better about myself. i felt like the proverbial weight had been lifted off my shoulders. it was amazing the changes that occurred in me. emotionally i was much happier, being who i really was. physically, i felt much better too (and ended up losing close to 50 lbs by the end of my freshman year).

there have been years that this "anniversary" has come and gone. there have also been times that it has been celebrated - like the year i received a sash, a rainbow glittered picture frame, and a scroll declaring it "my day of gay". regardless, i always remember the events that took place that night and how it truly changed my life. luckily, it comes each year almost two weeks after national coming out day. eleven years ago, it was a big deal for me. today, it may not be a big deal for some, but there is probably that kid who is literally dying to tell someone. i hope he or she has the courage to face their demon and tell someone. i also hope that he or she is lucky enough to have someone to listen and accept them for who they are.

a makeover!

ooh! i do enjoy a good makeover! well, 'an observant mind' has been given a slight makeover.

thanks to teresa for leading me in the right direction to create a header for my blog. i loved what some people have done with their blogs even when they use blogger. i knew there had to be some way to personalize my blog aside from choosing a generic template offered to me by blogger.

well folks, by downloading picasa, many created collages, and many more failed attempts of actually uploading, resizing, and customizing...here it is!

the new and improved 'an observant mind'. i do hope you enjoy!

spa chez moi

i would love to be one of those people. you know - the ones that get weekly manicures and pedicures, regular massages, and facials at their neighborhood spa. unfortunately, i don't have the funds for such extravagances.

i would love to get monthly massages here. or weekly manicures here. but again, it's just not in the budget. sure, i have visited each of these places on special occasions, but i just can't manage it on a regular basis.

so, instead, i rely on my home spa services. i file, trim, and buff my own nails and cuticles. i use my lime & ginger scrub to exfoliate my body from time to time, and i set aside a special night to use my facial products. these products are not regular purchases, but items that i have had and ration appropriately.

i do not take them for granted, but revel in their use and love the feeling afterward. ahh! my skin feels and smells great!

autumn awesomeness

i love fall. it's definitely my favorite season. the heat and humidity of the summer is over, and there's a crispness in the air. i love putting on my hooded sweatshirt or curling up under a blanket. i can turn on the tv on the weekend and be sure to see some college football. it's the time for soups and hearty meals. my home is sure to smell like pumpkin spice or cinnamon apples. the colors on the trees are beautiful and i love the crunching sound of the leaves on the ground.

there's nothing better than putting on a light jacket or sweater and walking around the neighborhood and then walking into a festive smelling home and pouring a bowl of your favorite soup!

ahh! i wish autumn weren't so short in chicago!

kicked out and knocked down

the issue of "don't ask, don't tell" has been a heated issue in recent months. gay rights advocates have said that president obama hasn't done enough, quickly enough, for gay rights. at a recent human rights campaign gala, the president has said that he intends to repeal "don't ask, don't tell". while the policy, introduced in 1993, was right for its time, it has now reached its expiration date and needs to be tossed.

prior to "don't ask, don't tell", the military would discharge (generally, undesirably, or dishonorably) any person who was found to be gay, regardless of any homosexual act. the military's stance was this:

Homosexuality is incompatible with military service. The presence in the military environment of persons who engage in homosexual conduct or who, by their statements, demonstrate a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, seriously impairs the accomplishment of the military mission. The presence of such members adversely affects the ability of the armed forces to maintain discipline, good order, and morale; to foster mutual trust and confidence among service members; to ensure the integrity of the system of rank and command; to facilitate assignment and worldwide deployment of service members who frequently must live and work in close conditions affording minimal privacy; to recruit and retain members of the armed forces; to maintain the public acceptability of military service; and to prevent breaches of security.

the "don't ask, don't tell" policy was a compromise with the above regulation and allowing gays to serve openly in the military. it can be said that DADT, in its time, was a step forward to allow homosexuals to serve in the military. today, it seems archaic to discharge qualified, experienced soldiers simply because they are gay.

since enacted, DADT has cost close to $363 million dollars, including $14.3 million for "separation travel" once a service member is discharged, $17.8 million for training officers, $252.4 million for training enlistees and $79.3 million in recruiting costs. WHAT?! just because you discharged a competent solider or officer for being gay?!?!?!

while reading USA Today yesterday, i came across the following letter on the op/ed page:

NO GAYS IN MILITARY
As a retired Air Force pilot with combat experience during the Persian Gulf War, let me provide your readers with a typical commander's assessment of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy: We should have never had it in the first place.
Discrimination against those who desire to serve in the armed forces is not only historic, it's also essential. Putting together an effective fighting force is the responsibility of civilian and military commanders, whether in the field, the Pentagon or the White House.
National military police, which I helped to craft, should enhance commanders' functions, not hamstring them. I had enough problems with sleeping arrangements for women on my aircrew, let alone gay men.
I should not have to worry about room assignments, who's bunking with whom, who is offended by the gay soldier or airman, or whether he's angry because no one will talk to him. I am a father to my daughter, not to men in combat.
These issues, and many others that social experiments create, stand squarely in the way of developing an effective fighting force. America, the U.S. armed forces to exist to protect you and your way of life, not to appease the desires of those on the fringe of society.
Keith Hutcheson
Athens, Ga.

WTF, mr. hutcheson. WTF, editors of USA Today. how can such blatant bigotry be published in a national newspaper? i would like to respond to his letter, but am still unable what i want to say or how i want to say it. i will say though, after reading his letter, i wasn't initially angry; i was hurt.

let me pull a few of mr. hutcheson's comments from his letter and respond:

"...let me provide your readers with a typical commander's assessment of the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy: We should have never had it in the first place."
this might be the only statement where we may, slightly agree. (although i'm sure he won't agree with me in the way i can agree.) soliders should have always been able to serve as openly gay men and women.

"Discrimination against those who desire to serve in the armed forces is not only historic, it's also essential."
are you saying we SHOULD discriminate who should and should not serve in the military? should it only be big, strong, virile men? just a hunch that mr. hutcheson wouldn't want to discriminate on race....

"I had enough problems with sleeping arrangements for women on my aircrew, let alone gay men."
oh, you poor thing. if you would have been able to discriminate like you wanted, women wouldn't be part of the armed forces either, would they. after all, they merely create sleeping issues.

"I should not have to worry about room assignments, who's bunking with whom, who is offended by the gay soldier or airman, or whether he's angry because no one will talk to him."
exactly. after all, gay men will ravage all the other men in the bunk. that's what the gays do...sleep with everything that walks in front of them. (mr. hutcheson, the gays have standards. i can say that i, for one, would have NO desrire to bunk with you.) and the gays will be crying and whining because no one will talk to them. after all, gays are just a bunch of sissies.

"These issues, and many others that social experiments create,..."
i can assure you that homosexually is NO social experiment. are you still reading publications that are decades old?!

"America, the U.S. armed forces to exist to protect you and your way of life, not to appease the desires of those on the fringe of society."
and you better damn believe that those fringes will be cute! some gay designer has been cutting that leather just right and bedazzling it with sequins and jewels just for you!

*sigh* ahh, it was nice to mock the bigotry of mr. keith hutcheson of athens, ga.

i will now step off of my rainbow-colored soapbox (decorated with pink feathers and rhinestones, naturally).

and if you haven't seen this already, watch this interview. one more discharged reason why "don't ask, don't tell" needs to be repealed.

add another catalog to the table!

recently, i was given a link to check out some rugs that i might be interested in. i was sent to west elm's website. where have i been for the past 7 years?! i fell in love with many of the items they have to decorate your home!

although the rug that i was interested in was no longer available, i have since then found various other items that i could envision in my home!

why should i be surprised that i love this store when i discovered they were a part of the williams-sonoma company!

talk to me

recently i've been overly aware of where i look at a person when they talk to me, specifically up close.

when someone is talking to you, where do you look at them? their eyes?

yah, not me.

for some reason, i look at their mouth. is it because i'm trying to read what their lips are saying to me? any more importantly, do they realize that i'm looking at their mouth. oh no! they probably thing that there's something in their teeth.

i'm sure there's some pycho-babble reason that it's hard for me to look at someone in the eyes when they're talking to me. i consciously try to "fix" it and look them in the eyes, but instinct draws me back to their moving mouth.

"...our son who happened to be gay."

i recently purchased judy shepard's book "the meaning of matthew" and finished it the same day i started it. judy's book is about her son, matthew, who was violently attacked and then died; eleven years ago today.

i remember hearing about the university of wyoming student who was brutally attacked and left for dead that cold night in laramie. i wondered how anyone could do such hateful things to another human being. in october of 1998, i had my own internal struggles, still unable to tell anyone that i was gay. i think that the public outcry for matthew's attack and subsequent death opened my eyes to how people truly felt about gays and lesbians. everywhere, there were candlelight vigils, marches, and gatherings of hundreds (maybe thousands) of individuals to speak out against the hatred that caused one gay man to lose his life.

in her book, judy shepard talks about meeting her husband dennis and later giving birth to matthew and logan. matthew and judy always shared a special bond, one that would last their entire lives. dennis shepard's job took the family to saudia arabia where matthew enrolled in boarding school in switzerland. he was eager to experience the world, often taking trips to various places in europe, asia, and africa. on a trip to morocco, matthew was out alone when he was attacked by three men and raped. this was the beginning of a downward spiral of depression for matthew. later matthew moved back to the states, living in various places; salisbury, and raleigh, nc, denver, co, and later to casper and laramie, wy. matthew often abused alcohol as a way to escape his problems. but once matthew enrolled in the university of wyoming in laramie, he was determined to take a hold of his life. always friendly, matthew was a member of many social organizations on campus, specifically the university's GLBT alliance. it was his group's preparation for "national coming out day", that would eventually lead matthew to the bar where he would meet his attackers.

many people know the story of what happened next to matthew. he was brutally attacked and beaten, tied to a fence where he was left to die. the next day, a fellow student on bicycle saw matthew's body holding on to what little life he had left. matthew spent the next four days in a deep coma. doctors told the family that he had little chance of surviving. with his family circled around him, holding hands, matthew took his last breath on earth.

judy's honest account of matthew's early life, his struggle with depression and alcohol, and eventually the final days of matthew's life are emotional and deeply moving. now, a decade later, judy is an advocate in the GLBT community speaking at numerous functions. her top priority (along with the Matthew Shepard Foundation) is fighting for legislation that includes protection for sexual orientation in hate crimes. sadly, eleven years later, it is yet to be passed. (it passed 4 days ago in the house but has not been voted on in the sentate. if it passes, president obama has said that he will immediately sign the bill into law).

i shared one part of the book with my own mom tonight; judy shepard's first words to the public after matthew's death were "go home, give your kids a hug, and don't let a day go by without telling them you love them." luckily, matthew's last words to his family were "i love you."

for information, how to get involved, or to donate, visit the
Matthew Shepard Foundation website.

my own happy place

i love my kitchen. love it!

when gary and i started shopping for condos, i always stood in the kitchen to see if it felt right. i wanted to make sure that i had adequate counter space to work, plenty of storage for my "stuff", and nice appliances that allowed me to cook.

i'm so happy when we found the place we live because the kitchen felt right to me. it's not part of another room, it wraps around me so i have plenty of room to work, and it has become my favorite room in my new home!

i have already made noodles from scratch, tried new recipes, and cooked for guests. as i sit at the counter while i type this, a pot of potpourri is simmering on the stove (thank you to my friend teresa who sent me all the necessary ingredients to make the wonderful smelling potpourri!).

i'm already looking forward to preparing a big thanksgiving dinner for my family!